Stuff has been happening…
Feb. 18th, 2004 08:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whotheheckamiI thought it was time to let you known what has been happening, but I’ll warn you that some of this is not a comfortable read.
On the Work and Health Fronts
Over the past few weeks work has got steadily worse. I’ve been getting more and more anxious and depressed during the week and living for the weekends which were giving me too short a respite. Things came to a head on Monday when I broke down in my boss’ office whilst we were discussing a piece of work he wanted to do. We had agreed that I would go through a “staged return to work” with me being given small, self-contained pieces of work which were well within my current capacity. My boss’ interpretation of this was to hit me with a piece of work which would have tasked me when I was running at 100% and then to give it a deadline that I would never have been able to meet, even when I was fit. I felt both daunted and crushed and broke down in tears. My boss seemed shocked by this and suggested that I spend the rest of the day at home and visit my doctor at the earliest opportunity. I packed my stuff and staggered to the car where I completely lost it. I must have cried for about 20 minutes and bit and bit at my hands and arms. Eventually I calmed down enough to realise that I’d attracted the attention of one of our security trolls. I gave him a weak grin, a thumbs up and drove off.
I drove and drove and eventually found myself at the wagon of our sufi-herbalist-homeopath-witch friend Fleur. I’m not sure what drew me to her, but it was a good thing. I sat with her by her fire, drank tea, talked and generally unloaded. It helped, a lot; and I know I will be going back for more chats. I felt better as I drove away from Fleur and towards my Doctor. Sadly, it did not last for long and the walls came rushing and crushing in again and I was a mess again when I saw my Doctor. He immediately signed me off for 2 more weeks and increased my Prozac. I was with it enough to point out that I hadn’t received any counselling for 3 weeks because his counsellor has had a breakdown! I also told him that I had private medical in-sewar-ants. Consequently, I will be going back to see my Doc later this week to arrange counselling and a referral to a Clinical Psychologist at the local private hospital.
I’m still feeling pretty numb. I’m functioning and tasks around the house are keeping me busy. All my loved ones are being great, but I am feeling fragile so don’t be surprised if I appear stranger than usual, but don’t leave me alone. I need people around me. The last time I was a as low as this I was in the RAF. It was 1995 and I was sent home from work and abandoned by the service and our neighbours and friends. No one came to see us and Mendi and I felt totally isolated – it was tough.
On the Business Proposal
We had a meeting with the person who wants us to propose a way of growing his business. Mendi and I listened a lot and picked up a lot of pros and cons. Its early days yet and I’m not sure if the risks we would need to take are worth the potential benefits. I need to do a lot of research about it, but not now. At the moment my brains are like mush and I don’t think I would do justice to it. I’m going to take some me time and then look at it in more detail.
Immediate Plans
I’m in the position of having lots of things to do, but no motivation to do them. Everything seems incredibly difficult to start and work on and I’m spending more and more time just doing…nothing. This makes me feel guiltier which feeds the depression. I’m going to try and break that cycle next week. I’m going to spend a day or so in North Wales visiting my parents and then I’m going to try and descend on some people from my friends list. Be afraid, be very afraid! I’ll be sending out e-mails later today.
So you see Interesting Times are about me.
On the Work and Health Fronts
Over the past few weeks work has got steadily worse. I’ve been getting more and more anxious and depressed during the week and living for the weekends which were giving me too short a respite. Things came to a head on Monday when I broke down in my boss’ office whilst we were discussing a piece of work he wanted to do. We had agreed that I would go through a “staged return to work” with me being given small, self-contained pieces of work which were well within my current capacity. My boss’ interpretation of this was to hit me with a piece of work which would have tasked me when I was running at 100% and then to give it a deadline that I would never have been able to meet, even when I was fit. I felt both daunted and crushed and broke down in tears. My boss seemed shocked by this and suggested that I spend the rest of the day at home and visit my doctor at the earliest opportunity. I packed my stuff and staggered to the car where I completely lost it. I must have cried for about 20 minutes and bit and bit at my hands and arms. Eventually I calmed down enough to realise that I’d attracted the attention of one of our security trolls. I gave him a weak grin, a thumbs up and drove off.
I drove and drove and eventually found myself at the wagon of our sufi-herbalist-homeopath-witch friend Fleur. I’m not sure what drew me to her, but it was a good thing. I sat with her by her fire, drank tea, talked and generally unloaded. It helped, a lot; and I know I will be going back for more chats. I felt better as I drove away from Fleur and towards my Doctor. Sadly, it did not last for long and the walls came rushing and crushing in again and I was a mess again when I saw my Doctor. He immediately signed me off for 2 more weeks and increased my Prozac. I was with it enough to point out that I hadn’t received any counselling for 3 weeks because his counsellor has had a breakdown! I also told him that I had private medical in-sewar-ants. Consequently, I will be going back to see my Doc later this week to arrange counselling and a referral to a Clinical Psychologist at the local private hospital.
I’m still feeling pretty numb. I’m functioning and tasks around the house are keeping me busy. All my loved ones are being great, but I am feeling fragile so don’t be surprised if I appear stranger than usual, but don’t leave me alone. I need people around me. The last time I was a as low as this I was in the RAF. It was 1995 and I was sent home from work and abandoned by the service and our neighbours and friends. No one came to see us and Mendi and I felt totally isolated – it was tough.
On the Business Proposal
We had a meeting with the person who wants us to propose a way of growing his business. Mendi and I listened a lot and picked up a lot of pros and cons. Its early days yet and I’m not sure if the risks we would need to take are worth the potential benefits. I need to do a lot of research about it, but not now. At the moment my brains are like mush and I don’t think I would do justice to it. I’m going to take some me time and then look at it in more detail.
Immediate Plans
I’m in the position of having lots of things to do, but no motivation to do them. Everything seems incredibly difficult to start and work on and I’m spending more and more time just doing…nothing. This makes me feel guiltier which feeds the depression. I’m going to try and break that cycle next week. I’m going to spend a day or so in North Wales visiting my parents and then I’m going to try and descend on some people from my friends list. Be afraid, be very afraid! I’ll be sending out e-mails later today.
So you see Interesting Times are about me.
