MH Update

Mar. 21st, 2019 08:01 am
whotheheckami: (Default)
So, I got to the gig on Tuesday night and really enjoyed it. I did have a huge anxiety spike leading up to it, but I used my techniques and had Sarah with me, she was marvellous and in the end and it was OK. I had some difficulty getting to sleep afterwards as I was terribly embarrassed at all the fuss I'd made. Still I crossed a big bridge safely.

I haven't had any time to dwell on things today as I've spent the day in the woods doing a very intensive session of simulation training that included me blowing up the same car 6 times!

I'm home now and I've realised how deeply tired I am. I think I'll be having an early night and a restful day tomorrow.

Thank you for all your support yesterday.
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Going out this evening to a gig in Leicester. The last time I went to a gig was about 5 months ago and whilst I was there I had a massive panic/anxiety attack. That was the last attack I've had and I've been "meltdown free" for over 150 days. (yes I'm keeping track of it)

To say I'm nervous would be a massive understatement. I've been doing everything I can to keep calm today and it seems to be sort of working. I've made so much progress over the past months that I should be OK, but that doesn't stop we worrying.

Let's do this thing.
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The sun is shining brightly on me and I'm in a very positive frame of mind. I've been working up to doing one of these for quite some time. Over the past few weeks I've passed what I consider to be a number of large and small positive milestones, but didn't feel they merited a post of their own. However, I did something an hour or so ago that I felt needed recording.

So in no order of significance, these are some of the things I've achieved:

Reduced my anxiety medication by 50% over the past 2 months with no noticeable negative effects. Reviewed this with my GP and will further reduce and stop when I feel comfortable doing it.

Signed myself off from the NHS Mental Health team because by the time I'd got an appointment I'd gone past the acute need by seeing my private therapist.

Discussed my progress with my therapist and have gone from weekly, to fortnightly, to monthly meetings. Next meeting is set for 2 months time and will probably be my last unless I feel I need a "top up" at any time. The next visit will concentrate on preventing a slip back to poor mental health and what to do if it does occur.

Managed to deal with a number of incidents that would have previously prompted an anxiety "meltdown!" It's actually been over 120 days since a "meltdown."

Learned that being able to help people is a key motivator for me.

Found things to do such as working for Clarity Training and volunteering, that play to my strengths without damaging me. I want to do more, but I know that I must build up to it gradually.

Experienced a gradual rebirth of my creativity and spirituality.

Realised that love takes many forms beyond a physical connection and have found love with some amazing people.

Really experienced the benefits of meditation through Headspace and exercise through swimming and Pilates. These are now part of my new life.

Felt really good about myself, felt that I can make a difference, felt that I'm worth knowing and loving. I've even realised that I like and love myself again.

Understood how, when and to some extent why my mental health collapse occurred, and that brings me to the thing I did earlier today. I was in Northampton and popped into Phipps' Brewery for a half pint of IPA and a bite of lunch. That was where all this mess started and the last time I tried to go in there I had to run away in a state of complete meltdown. Today, it was fine; old colleagues were pleased to see me; the beer was good and the food OK. Not sure if I need to go back again, but that particular Sword of Damocles is no longer hanging above me.

Throughout all the changes I've made to my mental health I've had amazing support from my friends. You've stood by me, helped me, loved me and really got me through this. Thank you all so much. I'm still here and stronger than I was because of you and I'm absolutely still here for those of you who need me. You only have to ask.

There's one person who I have to thank separately, the person who saw me at my lowest and has stood by me through all the scariest bits. The person who a few weeks ago felt so comfortable with me that she teased me for the first time in months. The person that I love more with every breath I take. The person who I do not need to name.

This is by no means the end of my journey, but I feel this is as good a time as ever to mark how far I've come in less than 7 months.
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With apologies to the memory of Robert Heinlein who featured the Notebooks of Lazarus Long in Time Enough for Love.

- Never underestimate the power of a really hot bath

- No matter what you are feeling someone, somewhere will have written a song that sums things up.

- Write songs! (and poems, but don't necessarily share them with anyone)

Today's tune: Freiheit - Keeping the Dream Alive! <3

Tonight the rain is falling,
Full of memories of people and places.
And while the past is calling,
In my fantasy I remember their faces.
The hopes we had were much to high;
Way out of reach, but we have to try.
The game will never be over,
Because we're keeping the dream alive.
I hear myself recalling
Things you said to me the night it all started.
And still the rain is falling.
Makes me feel the way I felt when we parted.
The hopes we had were much to high;
Way out of reach, but we have to try.
No need to hide, no need to run,
'Cause all the answers come one by one.
The game will never be over,
Because we're keeping the dream alive.
I need you - I love you.
The game will never be over,
Because we're keeping the dream alive.
The hopes we had were much to high;
Way out of reach, but we have to try.
No need to hide, no need to run,
'Cause all the answers come one by one.
The hopes we had were much to high;
Way out of reach, but we have to try.
No need to hide, no need to run,
'Cause all the answers come one by one.
The game will never be over,
Because we're keeping the dream alive.
The game will never be over,
Because we're keeping the dream alive.
The game will never be over,
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm.

Songwriters: Aron Strobel / Stefan Zauner

The bigger challenge is to decide which dream I wish to keep alive.
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I think this is my first post to my journal from Dreamwidth and my first post for Quite a Long Time

This is an open post in lieu of a header as I relearn how to do things in HTML etc

I want to reclaim my journal as, back in the day it was a great place to record, share, support and do so many other things. LJ was with me through a period of massive change in my life. A period I sometimes look back on as the Crazy Years; I also look back on it with massive fondness as I actually quite like Who The Heck I Am now and I really love my life. I wouldn't be where I am without the journal.

So why now?

I'm not giving too much away in an open post, but I've recently got back in touch with the person who introduced me to LJ and was one of the people who lit the fire! There's also something great happening. Something really good. Something that makes me want to explore things in much more detail and frankness than I can ever do on Facebook where all and sundry can see.

I think that leads to the conclusion that pretty much all of what happens form here on in will be for those people I care enough about and trust enough to grant access to the meanderings of Mercurial Mel.

That might be you. Drop me a line if you think you need to know!

Testing

Jan. 24th, 2016 08:26 pm
whotheheckami: (Green Man 1)

Just trying out a post from the LJ App on Android. I suppose it means I should actually post something or other on here.

A Question

Jul. 15th, 2012 07:23 pm
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This was inspired by a conversation between Sarah and her Mum about whether or not her Mum had worn a particular dress to an event and if certain people would have seen it. This got me thinking to how a Society Lady would have kept track of what she'd worn. I'm aware of Cellar Diaries to keep track of booze and Hostesses Books to keep track of who'd come round for dinner and wehat they'd been fed. However, I'm not aware if there was a corresponding book for a Ladies Maid or the Lady herself to keep track of her outfits.

Do they exist?
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Via a few people: So, if you read this, leave me a one-word comment about your day that starts with the third letter of your LJ USERNAME. Only one word please. Then repost so I can leave a word for you. Don't just post a word and not copy - that's not as much fun!
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I seem to be in a bit of a pickle laptop wise.

I was warned by AVG that I'd picked up a Trojan so I ran a scan and cleared what I could to the vault. However, I noticed some problems:

1. When opening programs the file associations seem to have stopped working
2. Search engines seem to have been hijacked and take me to "junk" sites

I re-ran the scan and found more Trojan files - I forced these to clear to the vault and re-booted. Now I appear to have deleted "csrss.exe" from the registry and am getting the following error message when I try to connect to anything other than gmail I'm getting the error:

Firefox is configured to use a proxy server that is refusing connections

I would welcome any or all advice

Thanks

Mel

Sense-us?

Mar. 8th, 2011 09:11 pm
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2011 Living with my wife Sarah in our flat Chumlodge in Burton Lazars outside Melton Mowbray. Working for the Beer Mines (Grainstore Brewery)

2001 Living in Chez Who in Whissendine. Working for RS Components as a Programme Manager.

1991 Living at 18a Rue de Broqueroy, Mons, Belgium - Alex and Evan would be born whilst we were living here. I was a Flight Lieutenant in the RAF working at SHAPE (Supreme Headquarters Allied Powers in Europe)

1981 Living in Halls of Residence at Salford University and studying Aeronautical Engineering, but soon to return home to Bodafon Farm

1971 Age 7. Living at home with my parents at Bodafon Farm, Llandudno. The moon landings were still taking place and I would have called you a complete liar if you told me that by 2011 we would not have been back to the moon or gone further!
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TOMMY

I went into a public-'ouse to get a pint o' beer,
The publican 'e up an' sez, "We serve no red-coats here."
The girls be'ind the bar they laughed an' giggled fit to die,
I outs into the street again an' to myself sez I:
O it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, go away";
But it's "Thank you, Mister Atkins", when the band begins to play,
The band begins to play, my boys, the band begins to play,
O it's "Thank you, Mister Atkins", when the band begins to play.

I went into a theatre as sober as could be,
They gave a drunk civilian room, but 'adn't none for me;
They sent me to the gallery or round the music-'alls,
But when it comes to fightin', Lord! they'll shove me in the stalls!
For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, wait outside";
But it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide,
The troopship's on the tide, my boys, the troopship's on the tide,
O it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide.

Yes, makin' mock o' uniforms that guard you while you sleep
Is cheaper than them uniforms, an' they're starvation cheap;
An' hustlin' drunken soldiers when they're goin' large a bit
Is five times better business than paradin' in full kit.
Then it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, 'ow's yer soul?"
But it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll,
The drums begin to roll, my boys, the drums begin to roll,
O it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll.

We aren't no thin red 'eroes, nor we aren't no blackguards too,
But single men in barricks, most remarkable like you;
An' if sometimes our conduck isn't all your fancy paints,
Why, single men in barricks don't grow into plaster saints;
While it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, fall be'ind",
But it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind,
There's trouble in the wind, my boys, there's trouble in the wind,
O it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind.

You talk o' better food for us, an' schools, an' fires, an' all:
We'll wait for extry rations if you treat us rational.
Don't mess about the cook-room slops, but prove it to our face
The Widow's Uniform is not the soldier-man's disgrace.
For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Chuck him out, the brute!"
But it's "Saviour of 'is country" when the guns begin to shoot;
An' it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' anything you please;
An' Tommy ain't a bloomin' fool -- you bet that Tommy sees!


by Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)
whotheheckami: (Default)
It's November and Christmas is looming ahead of us. However, the fourth Thursday in November is when Americans celebrate Thanksgiving. The American Thanksgiving holiday grew out of various harvest festivals but has come to mean more than just giving thanks for crops. Harvest is still an important festival for Sarah and me, but we have lots of other things to be thankful for and I'm wondering if the UK should mark Thanksgiving and so in lieu of a poll...

1. Should the UK mark Thanksgiving?
2. If so, how should it be marked?
3. When should it be celebrated?
4. What other occasions we should have holidays and celebrations for in the UK?
5. Are you a special snow-flake?
6. Do you like ticky-boxes? [ ]
whotheheckami: (Holy $hit)
On Wednesday the Voracious Bloody Caterpillars found their way into Chumlodge's veggie patch
On Thursday the Voracious Bloody Caterpillars scoffed their way through the Cavolo Nero
On Friday the Voracious Bloody Caterpillars added some cabbage to their diet
On Saturday the Voracious Bloody Caterpillars fancied a chomp on some Kohlrabi
On Sunday the Voracious Bloody Caterpillars decided to eat the Mooli
On Monday the Voracious Bloody Caterpillars finished eating every last bit of brassica at Chumlodge.
On Tuesday all the Voracious Bloody Caterpillars got incinerated

Hand me the matches!
whotheheckami: (Default)
Size is everthing and an extra day of weekend does make all the difference. [personal profile] sarah_mum and I have had a very relaxing day today. Doing very little other than a trip to the supermarket and some garden-related pottering. We needed the break becasue the rest of the weekend was decidedly more hectic. On Friday evening we raced down to the Cotswolds for an important meeting.

We stopped over at Sarah's parents and awoke to superbly cooked Dad Breakfast, Suitably energised we popped into the 'nham for a spot of shoppng and then headed over to Pontypool to spend the rest of the weekend with [profile] jarkman and Jarkwoman. There was metal fettling for both of us and I get to do lots of things I've never done before. All of our efforts were powered by tea, gnger cake and swearing. Engineering at its best! I discovered that driving a lathe is great fun, but some more fiddly jobs are just frustrating. One thing it did bring home to me is that I really do need glasses for close-up work. I'll be sending off for some as soon as my opticians send me my prescription. We finished up by 7pm on Sunday and had a time for quick visit to [profile] aoakley and [profile] red_mel before getting home after 11pm.

A great weekend with some special things to show for it in a few weeks.
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I've been musing on the assumption that the Lib Dems would insist on Electoral Reform being a condition of joining a coalition and thinking how it would take place.

Just how would it take place? Would a form of Proportional Representation (PR) be introduced in time for a subsequent General Election, or would there be a Referendum on the matter? To my mind, putting the question to a Referendum would see PR off the agenda for decades as I can't see a scenario where an inherently change-averse population would vote in favour of something fundamentally different and outwardly more complicated. However, am I alone in finding the concept of a move to PR without a referendum somewhat distasteful?
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You might like to check the story arc that starts here in Brooke McEldowney's excellent comic 9 Chickweed Lane. It really had me captivated and is still continuing.

Enjoy!
whotheheckami: (Default)
Back in the 80s I really enjoyed the film Wall Street and so I'm looking forward to the sequel Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. It'll be fascinating to see what 23 years have done to the characters, but I know I'll be watching them. I like the idea of sequels that come out a long time after the original. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. Regular readers will know how I would love to see a sequel to the Good Life and I'm sure I've asked what sitcoms you'd like to see revived, but what films would you like to see a sequel for and what do you think has happened to the characters?

Posting

Feb. 13th, 2010 06:53 pm
whotheheckami: (Default)
I really should post something here shouldn't I?

[Maybe you should watch another space ;@)]
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